A few months back around the holidays I wrote this parody of Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’s “Downtown.” The new album dropped last week, so I thought I’d share.

I went to the Hov-Board site, Black Friday
Parents are like, “What up, what you doin’?”
And I’m like, “Honestly, I don’t know what I want for Christmas”
They said, “We got the gift for you, come and see”

Oooh, this for real?
Sneak-peek present, packaging is still sealed
Without a seat, I’m vertical on two wheels
Thanks Mom and Dad, what a hella reveal

I’m headed BEANTOWN, weather gettin’ chilly
Wind blowin’, got my Cape Cod hoodie
Charged-up Hov-Board at the deli
Meatball sub with extra mayonnaise
SO, come all aboard my self-balancing two-wheeled board
Got lights on the base, ‘stache on the face
Dare a man with a Segway to an obstacle race
I’mma tic-tac, stick that, shuvit pop, fall flat
Suck it up, rephrase: do I need a bandaid?

Touring the Hub, ’bout to stretch the city
Ditch the Charlie, Southie home of the Whitey
Beacon Hill, Fenway, Back Bay, South End
North End, man, everybody got biscotti
But I’mma keep it wicked 1883 and
Head into the Harvard Yard and park the car and cross the Charles to Copley
Sightseeing the John Hancocky, Trinity, past the library
Fogo de Chão, find us there we be carvin’ up Brazilian meat

My seat is pissa, alright, I’m lying, it’s missing
But girl, we can still roll together
We don’t need an Uber, we don’t need a cab
Fuck the Green Line, we got a Hoverboard
She got 2008 B. Celtics underwear
Paul Revere, man screams British everywhere
Hitting up the West End, visit Haymarket Square
Stop by State House, blow a kiss to a Baker

Beantown, Beantown (BEANTOWN)
Beantown, Beantown (Beantown)
She has her thighs around your waist
In a piggyback, her fingers laced (Beantown)
Have you ever felt as good as safe (Beantown)
With a plastic board beneath your legs
(R-r-r-r R-r-r-r)
(R-r-r-r R-r-r-r)

‘Cross the Zakim Bridge, boy
Clambake for a smidge, boy
Public Garden boat swans
Watch the C’s tip off the Nets, girl
B’s face off the Leafs, girl
Sox take on the Mets
When you’re in Beantown

Serve the skillet
I’ll stuff my gullet
Baked beans, chowdah
You can’t Yelp me
A review can’t recommend me
I’m in a Beantown trance, I’m not chancin’
You know I already made reservations
‘Cause I’m lunatic for fish n’ chips
Whole damn town know where Wahlburgers is?

It’s him, the man, the J F the K
Frozen in a bronze stride in front of the State
I take her to Pond de Frog and we watch it spray
I mean, watch ’em skate, double-axel break-a-leg
Now we cruising down Park, turning Tremont Street
I hear that later the Eagles play USC
But hold up, let’s check out the whole theater scene
What do you or do you not want to see with me?

I got one girl, I got one board
It’s a big Hub, we ain’t a bit bored
Let’s go to Drink girl, I like ’em classy
Going down to Congress, listening to New Kids
Rolling around the Whole Foods
Workers yelling at me, “Like, you need to get out”
“I’m in aisle eight, damn, where’s the stuffed trout?
Shut yourselves up and drop your price down”

Now I only have one Hov-Board, but we’ll make it for two, make it for two
Cruising down Boylston girl, we should check out the Pru, check out the Pru
There’s haters and there’s naysayers, hullabaloo, hullabaloo
Guess it could catch fire, but then I’ll just have to sue, just have to sue

Beantown, Beantown (BEANTOWN)
Beantown, Beantown (OOOHHH)
She has her thighs around your waist
In a piggyback, her fingers laced
(R-r-r-r R-r-r-r)
Have you ever felt as good as safe
(R-r-r-r R-r-r-r)
With a plastic board beneath your legs

Harbor-walk the wharf, boy
Gates at Yawkey Way, boy
Catch a Boston Duck Tour
Grab a bite at Faneuil Hall, girl
Green Monster’s a wall, girl
Walk the Freedom Trail
When you’re in

Tea Party Museum, boy
‘Nother round at Cheers, boy
Union Oyster House, oye
Take your pick of Irish pubs, girl
Up Top of the Hub, girl
Ain’t seen nothing yet ’til you’re in Beantown


Pick Two, Never Three


The Production Triangle. Pick two, but never three. I’m sure you’ve seen the diagram:


You can make something quick and outstanding, but it won’t be cheap.

You can make something brilliant and within a micro-budget, but it will take forever.

You can make something inexpensive and in no time, but it will be terrible.

You know that this model can be applied to everyday situations, right?


You can go to Disney World and have the time of your life, but that must mean you don’t have children.

You can bring your children to Disney World, but don’t expect a relaxing vacation.

You can have a good time with your children, just anywhere other than The Happiest Place On Earth.


You can watch a movie starring Vin Diesel and some cars, but there isn’t a big robot presence in The Fast and the Furious franchise.

You can watch a movie with cars and robots, but you won’t find Vin Diesel in the Transformers franchise.

You can watch a movie about robots starring Vin Diesel, but cars are less significant in The Iron Giant.


You can have Smirnoff Ice at a party, but odds are you found it hiding in your coat pocket; partygoers refer to this degrading game as “Icing.”

You can grab a smooth Smirnoff Ice and all the while keep your dignity, but you’ll probably be at home where you feel safe.

You can party with dignity, but there won’t be Smirnoff Ice in your hand.


Stay away from more than a pair when hanging out to avoid third-wheel situations.


John Adams was the second president of the United States, but never a brand of beer. 1

Samuel Adams is an alcoholic icon in Boston, but unfortunately the man was never president.

You can find the Dominican Republic-brewed pilsner Presidente at a local bar or bodega, but it has nothing to do with any Founding Fathers named Adams.

However, there is a beer named John Q. Adams Marblehead Lager. Though the sixth president of the United States, John Quincy Adams is not considered a Founding Father.

Pizza_Bagel_Just One

If you’re having a pizza, you probably won’t be in the mood for a bagel.

If you’re having a bagel, you probably won’t be in the mood for a pizza.

However, if you are graced with the presence of God’s most delectable gift—the pizza bagel—given a regular size or any of its variations (e.g. the Bagel Bite), there’s no way you’re going be satisfied with only one.


Avoid mentioning more than two definitions of the word “date” while on a first date if you’re hopeful for a second. (Learned from experience.)


You’re allowed to look at it, but to avoid drama you’ll have to refrain from touching.

There’s a chance you can touch it without receiving any drama, but your best bet will be to look the other way and play it off as an accident.

Of course, if you look and touch it, you’re going to get some drama.2


For clarification:


This one is just common sense, people.


If you’re at the beach with an umbrella, it probably isn’t raining.

If you have an umbrella because it’s raining, you’re probably not at the beach.

If you’re at the beach while it’s raining, there’s a good chance you didn’t bring an umbrella because hey, you skipped work thinking it was going to be a gorgeous day but then out of nowhere a hurricane flies up the coast and so you’re drenched trying to find your car in the 2-mile stretch of parking lot.


This one is special. In rare cases, it turns out you can’t have the best of 2/3 worlds. According to relationship philosopher John Mayer (4th studio album, Track 11, 00:00:51, words #35-43)³, people are limited to existing as either friends, lovers, OR nothing. You can have one, but not two or three. Coexistence is unattainable.

Here’s why:

Let’s say Friends = 1, Lovers = -1, and Nothing = 0,

Friends (1) + Nothing (0) = Friends (1)

Lovers (-1) + Nothing (0) = Lovers (-1)

Friends (1) + Lovers (-1) = Nothing (0)

Even if you made the attempt for two, you’re still only left with one.

Of course, this can be fixed with a simple substitution:


If you spend enough time with friends and lovers, you won’t have time for Netflix.

If you spend enough time with lovers and Netflix, you won’t have time for friends.

If you spend enough time re-watching Friends in its entirety on Netflix, over and over again, you won’t have time for love.

³ Truth: