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MTA NYC Transit F Train Number 0672 Delay Announcement Log From Monday, September 18, 2017

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mta

Time: 8:25 AM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are being held in the station because of a performance underway on the platform. A disheveled man is jamming on some buckets and pots, playing what can only be described as an extended rendition of the drum solo from Deep Purple’s “Space Truckin’”. I happen to love Deep Purple, and I intend to watch the bohemian finish the song.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 10:07 AM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because one of those child entrepreneurs selling fruit snacks and cookies found his way into the cockpit. My lunch break isn’t for another few hours, and I ran out of the apartment without breakfast this morning.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 10:52 AM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have stopped because of an unidentified, deranged man standing in the middle of the tracks. He’s holding a cardboard sign that says, “Help, they’re coming for us.” Under no circumstance does anybody on this train offer any help until we know what on God’s green earth he is talking about.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 12:31 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because I just have to send a quick text to my husband reminding him to record “Dancing With The Stars” tonight. Gotta see if that Property Brother Drew can really shake his booty. Mmm-mm-MMM!

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 1:45 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because some yahoo from those hip-hop pole-dancing acts has apparently gotten tangled up between the poles and cannot unravel himself. Don’t y’all ask how. We didn’t know the human body could even contort in such a way.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 3:03 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are remaining in the station because something is protruding out one of the train doors. A sectional couch, I believe. Listen, I don’t know how y’all managed to get that thing onto the platform in the first place, but please, use all available doors.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 5:12 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, that sudden jolt you felt was due to the train directly behind us. Darius likes to play bumper trains sometimes.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 5:55 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have stopped because—and bear with me here—a mischief of highly advanced rats claiming to be pirates­—oh sorry, pi-rats—have boarded and are demanding we hand over the train. Their leader keeps claiming that he is now the conductor.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 6:53 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because we’re lost. We ain’t sure how that happened.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 7:40 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because somebody saw something and didn’t say something. Nobody is in danger. Turns out it was just a box of old VHS tapes. But seriously? What’s wrong wit’chy’all?! What do we tell you every goddamn day? It’s like y’all’ve never taken the subway before.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 8:06 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are being held momentarily in the station because Improv Everywhere is trying to be funny again. Participants are dressed as various types of cold cuts, vegetables, condiments… oh I get it. It’s a literal Subway sandwich. Sigh. Anyway, just don’t acknowledge them.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 9:44 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have stopped the train because we, the crew, have given up. We just give up. Find your own damn way home tonight.

We will not be moving shortly.

Table For One

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Hostess: Hello sir, welcome to Chili’s! Table or booth?

Diner: Table is fine.

Hostess: Alrighty, and party of…?

Diner: One. Just one.

Hostess: Party of one. Sure thing. Outdoor or indoor table?

Diner: Indoor, preferably.

Hostess: Okie doke. Just moved into town or romantically challenged?

Diner: …what?

Hostess: The reason for your party of one.

Diner: Oh… okay… the latter then?

Hostess: Romantically challenged, got it. Can’t seem to figure out women or recently dumped after many years of bliss?

Diner: I’m sorry, but why is this any of your business?

Hostess: I’m seating you accordingly. This happens to be my business very much.

Diner: …whatever. Dumped after many—whatever it was.

Hostess: Your fault or hers?

Diner: Seriously? ­Mine, okay?

Hostess: Unfaithful or just kind of a boring duck?

Diner: She said the flame died ages ago.

Hostess: Smoking or non-smoking?

Diner: Well I wouldn’t call her smoking hot, but she was pretty attractive.

Hostess: Oh my apologies, I meant here at the restaurant.

Diner: Of course you did. Non-smoking.

Hostess: Okie doke. And would you like to hear music that reminds you of how much you miss her or how much you should really just move on with your life?

Diner: I’d like to bathe in the sorrow a little while longer.

Hostess: You got it. Will you be stuffing your face or drinking to numb the pain?

Diner: Just the drink menu.

Hostess: Our appetizers are half-priced starting in ten minutes…

Diner: Fine, both menus.

Hostess: That’s the spirit! And is Pepsi okay?

Diner: Her favorite drink was Pepsi.

Hostess: We only have Pepsi.

Diner: Sure, whatever.

Hostess: Okay, that should do it. How many menus?

Diner: Jesus Christ, just one, remember?!

Hostess: Oh! Ha ha. Force of habit.

Diner:

Hostess: Alrighty, if you just follow me—

Diner: Wait! Wait. Wait. On second thought… can I change to a booth?

Hostess: Certainly. Right this way, sir.

Beantown

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A few months back around the holidays I wrote this parody of Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’s “Downtown.” The new album dropped last week, so I thought I’d share.

I went to the Hov-Board site, Black Friday
Parents are like, “What up, what you doin’?”
And I’m like, “Honestly, I don’t know what I want for Christmas”
They said, “We got the gift for you, come and see”

Oooh, this for real?
Sneak-peek present, packaging is still sealed
Without a seat, I’m vertical on two wheels
Thanks Mom and Dad, what a hella reveal

I’m headed BEANTOWN, weather gettin’ chilly
Wind blowin’, got my Cape Cod hoodie
Charged-up Hov-Board at the deli
Meatball sub with extra mayonnaise
SO, come all aboard my self-balancing two-wheeled board
Got lights on the base, ‘stache on the face
Dare a man with a Segway to an obstacle race
I’mma tic-tac, stick that, shuvit pop, fall flat
Suck it up, rephrase: do I need a bandaid?
NOPE

Touring the Hub, ’bout to stretch the city
Ditch the Charlie, Southie home of the Whitey
Beacon Hill, Fenway, Back Bay, South End
North End, man, everybody got biscotti
But I’mma keep it wicked 1883 and
Head into the Harvard Yard and park the car and cross the Charles to Copley
Sightseeing the John Hancocky, Trinity, past the library
Fogo de Chão, find us there we be carvin’ up Brazilian meat

My seat is pissa, alright, I’m lying, it’s missing
But girl, we can still roll together
We don’t need an Uber, we don’t need a cab
Fuck the Green Line, we got a Hoverboard
She got 2008 B. Celtics underwear
Paul Revere, man screams British everywhere
Hitting up the West End, visit Haymarket Square
Stop by State House, blow a kiss to a Baker

Beantown, Beantown (BEANTOWN)
Beantown, Beantown (Beantown)
She has her thighs around your waist
In a piggyback, her fingers laced (Beantown)
Have you ever felt as good as safe (Beantown)
With a plastic board beneath your legs
(R-r-r-r R-r-r-r)
(R-r-r-r R-r-r-r)

Beantown
‘Cross the Zakim Bridge, boy
Clambake for a smidge, boy
Public Garden boat swans
Beantown
Watch the C’s tip off the Nets, girl
B’s face off the Leafs, girl
Sox take on the Mets
When you’re in Beantown

KEHD
Serve the skillet
I’ll stuff my gullet
Baked beans, chowdah
Lobstah, DUNKIN’ DONUTS
Pissaaaa
You can’t Yelp me
A review can’t recommend me
I’m in a Beantown trance, I’m not chancin’
You know I already made reservations
‘Cause I’m lunatic for fish n’ chips
Whole damn town know where Wahlburgers is?

It’s him, the man, the J F the K
Frozen in a bronze stride in front of the State
I take her to Pond de Frog and we watch it spray
I mean, watch ’em skate, double-axel break-a-leg
Now we cruising down Park, turning Tremont Street
I hear that later the Eagles play USC
But hold up, let’s check out the whole theater scene
What do you or do you not want to see with me?

I got one girl, I got one board
It’s a big Hub, we ain’t a bit bored
Let’s go to Drink girl, I like ’em classy
Going down to Congress, listening to New Kids
Rolling around the Whole Foods
Workers yelling at me, “Like, you need to get out”
“I’m in aisle eight, damn, where’s the stuffed trout?
Shut yourselves up and drop your price down”

Now I only have one Hov-Board, but we’ll make it for two, make it for two
Cruising down Boylston girl, we should check out the Pru, check out the Pru
There’s haters and there’s naysayers, hullabaloo, hullabaloo
Guess it could catch fire, but then I’ll just have to sue, just have to sue

Beantown, Beantown (BEANTOWN)
Beantown, Beantown (OOOHHH)
She has her thighs around your waist
In a piggyback, her fingers laced
(R-r-r-r R-r-r-r)
Have you ever felt as good as safe
(R-r-r-r R-r-r-r)
With a plastic board beneath your legs

Beantown
Harbor-walk the wharf, boy
Gates at Yawkey Way, boy
Catch a Boston Duck Tour
Beantown
Grab a bite at Faneuil Hall, girl
Green Monster’s a wall, girl
Walk the Freedom Trail
When you’re in

Beantown
Tea Party Museum, boy
‘Nother round at Cheers, boy
Union Oyster House, oye
Beantown
Take your pick of Irish pubs, girl
Up Top of the Hub, girl
Ain’t seen nothing yet ’til you’re in Beantown