Table For One


Hostess: Hello sir, welcome to Chili’s! Table or booth?

Diner: Table is fine.

Hostess: Alrighty, and party of…?

Diner: One. Just one.

Hostess: Party of one. Sure thing. Outdoor or indoor table?

Diner: Indoor, preferably.

Hostess: Okie doke. Just moved into town or romantically challenged?

Diner: …what?

Hostess: The reason for your party of one.

Diner: Oh… okay… the latter then?

Hostess: Romantically challenged, got it. Can’t seem to figure out women or recently dumped after many years of bliss?

Diner: I’m sorry, but why is this any of your business?

Hostess: I’m seating you accordingly. This happens to be my business very much.

Diner: …whatever. Dumped after many—whatever it was.

Hostess: Your fault or hers?

Diner: Seriously? ­Mine, okay?

Hostess: Unfaithful or just kind of a boring duck?

Diner: She said the flame died ages ago.

Hostess: Smoking or non-smoking?

Diner: Well I wouldn’t call her smoking hot, but she was pretty attractive.

Hostess: Oh my apologies, I meant here at the restaurant.

Diner: Of course you did. Non-smoking.

Hostess: Okie doke. And would you like to hear music that reminds you of how much you miss her or how much you should really just move on with your life?

Diner: I’d like to bathe in the sorrow a little while longer.

Hostess: You got it. Will you be stuffing your face or drinking to numb the pain?

Diner: Just the drink menu.

Hostess: Our appetizers are half-priced starting in ten minutes…

Diner: Fine, both menus.

Hostess: That’s the spirit! And is Pepsi okay?

Diner: Her favorite drink was Pepsi.

Hostess: We only have Pepsi.

Diner: Sure, whatever.

Hostess: Okay, that should do it. How many menus?

Diner: Jesus Christ, just one, remember?!

Hostess: Oh! Ha ha. Force of habit.


Hostess: Alrighty, if you just follow me—

Diner: Wait! Wait. Wait. On second thought… can I change to a booth?

Hostess: Certainly. Right this way, sir.