Beantown

Words

A few months back around the holidays I wrote this parody of Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’s “Downtown.” The new album dropped last week, so I thought I’d share.

I went to the Hov-Board site, Black Friday
Parents are like, “What up, what you doin’?”
And I’m like, “Honestly, I don’t know what I want for Christmas”
They said, “We got the gift for you, come and see”

Oooh, this for real?
Sneak-peek present, packaging is still sealed
Without a seat, I’m vertical on two wheels
Thanks Mom and Dad, what a hella reveal

I’m headed BEANTOWN, weather gettin’ chilly
Wind blowin’, got my Cape Cod hoodie
Charged-up Hov-Board at the deli
Meatball sub with extra mayonnaise
SO, come all aboard my self-balancing two-wheeled board
Got lights on the base, ‘stache on the face
Dare a man with a Segway to an obstacle race
I’mma tic-tac, stick that, shuvit pop, fall flat
Suck it up, rephrase: do I need a bandaid?
NOPE

Touring the Hub, ’bout to stretch the city
Ditch the Charlie, Southie home of the Whitey
Beacon Hill, Fenway, Back Bay, South End
North End, man, everybody got biscotti
But I’mma keep it wicked 1883 and
Head into the Harvard Yard and park the car and cross the Charles to Copley
Sightseeing the John Hancocky, Trinity, past the library
Fogo de Chão, find us there we be carvin’ up Brazilian meat

My seat is pissa, alright, I’m lying, it’s missing
But girl, we can still roll together
We don’t need an Uber, we don’t need a cab
Fuck the Green Line, we got a Hoverboard
She got 2008 B. Celtics underwear
Paul Revere, man screams British everywhere
Hitting up the West End, visit Haymarket Square
Stop by State House, blow a kiss to a Baker

Beantown, Beantown (BEANTOWN)
Beantown, Beantown (Beantown)
She has her thighs around your waist
In a piggyback, her fingers laced (Beantown)
Have you ever felt as good as safe (Beantown)
With a plastic board beneath your legs
(R-r-r-r R-r-r-r)
(R-r-r-r R-r-r-r)

Beantown
‘Cross the Zakim Bridge, boy
Clambake for a smidge, boy
Public Garden boat swans
Beantown
Watch the C’s tip off the Nets, girl
B’s face off the Leafs, girl
Sox take on the Mets
When you’re in Beantown

KEHD
Serve the skillet
I’ll stuff my gullet
Baked beans, chowdah
Lobstah, DUNKIN’ DONUTS
Pissaaaa
You can’t Yelp me
A review can’t recommend me
I’m in a Beantown trance, I’m not chancin’
You know I already made reservations
‘Cause I’m lunatic for fish n’ chips
Whole damn town know where Wahlburgers is?

It’s him, the man, the J F the K
Frozen in a bronze stride in front of the State
I take her to Pond de Frog and we watch it spray
I mean, watch ’em skate, double-axel break-a-leg
Now we cruising down Park, turning Tremont Street
I hear that later the Eagles play USC
But hold up, let’s check out the whole theater scene
What do you or do you not want to see with me?

I got one girl, I got one board
It’s a big Hub, we ain’t a bit bored
Let’s go to Drink girl, I like ’em classy
Going down to Congress, listening to New Kids
Rolling around the Whole Foods
Workers yelling at me, “Like, you need to get out”
“I’m in aisle eight, damn, where’s the stuffed trout?
Shut yourselves up and drop your price down”

Now I only have one Hov-Board, but we’ll make it for two, make it for two
Cruising down Boylston girl, we should check out the Pru, check out the Pru
There’s haters and there’s naysayers, hullabaloo, hullabaloo
Guess it could catch fire, but then I’ll just have to sue, just have to sue

Beantown, Beantown (BEANTOWN)
Beantown, Beantown (OOOHHH)
She has her thighs around your waist
In a piggyback, her fingers laced
(R-r-r-r R-r-r-r)
Have you ever felt as good as safe
(R-r-r-r R-r-r-r)
With a plastic board beneath your legs

Beantown
Harbor-walk the wharf, boy
Gates at Yawkey Way, boy
Catch a Boston Duck Tour
Beantown
Grab a bite at Faneuil Hall, girl
Green Monster’s a wall, girl
Walk the Freedom Trail
When you’re in

Beantown
Tea Party Museum, boy
‘Nother round at Cheers, boy
Union Oyster House, oye
Beantown
Take your pick of Irish pubs, girl
Up Top of the Hub, girl
Ain’t seen nothing yet ’til you’re in Beantown

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