The Production Triangle. Pick two, but never three. I’m sure you’ve seen the diagram:
You can make something quick and outstanding, but it won’t be cheap.
You can make something brilliant and within a micro-budget, but it will take forever.
You can make something inexpensive and in no time, but it will be terrible.
You know that this model can be applied to everyday situations, right?
You can go to Disney World and have the time of your life, but that must mean you don’t have children.
You can bring your children to Disney World, but don’t expect a relaxing vacation.
You can have a good time with your children, just anywhere other than The Happiest Place On Earth.
You can watch a movie starring Vin Diesel and some cars, but there isn’t a big robot presence in The Fast and the Furious franchise.
You can watch a movie with cars and robots, but you won’t find Vin Diesel in the Transformers franchise.
You can watch a movie about robots starring Vin Diesel, but cars are less significant in The Iron Giant.
You can have Smirnoff Ice at a party, but odds are you found it hiding in your coat pocket; partygoers refer to this degrading game as “Icing.”
You can grab a smooth Smirnoff Ice and all the while keep your dignity, but you’ll probably be at home where you feel safe.
You can party with dignity, but there won’t be Smirnoff Ice in your hand.
Stay away from more than a pair when hanging out to avoid third-wheel situations.
John Adams was the second president of the United States, but never a brand of beer. 1
Samuel Adams is an alcoholic icon in Boston, but unfortunately the man was never president.
You can find the Dominican Republic-brewed pilsner Presidente at a local bar or bodega, but it has nothing to do with any Founding Fathers named Adams.
1 However, there is a beer named John Q. Adams Marblehead Lager. Though the sixth president of the United States, John Quincy Adams is not considered a Founding Father.
If you’re having a pizza, you probably won’t be in the mood for a bagel.
If you’re having a bagel, you probably won’t be in the mood for a pizza.
However, if you are graced with the presence of God’s most delectable gift—the pizza bagel—given a regular size or any of its variations (e.g. the Bagel Bite), there’s no way you’re going be satisfied with only one.
Avoid mentioning more than two definitions of the word “date” while on a first date if you’re hopeful for a second. (Learned from experience.)
You’re allowed to look at it, but to avoid drama you’ll have to refrain from touching.
There’s a chance you can touch it without receiving any drama, but your best bet will be to look the other way and play it off as an accident.
Of course, if you look and touch it, you’re going to get some drama.2
2 For clarification: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEe_eraFWWs
This one is just common sense, people.
If you’re at the beach with an umbrella, it probably isn’t raining.
If you have an umbrella because it’s raining, you’re probably not at the beach.
If you’re at the beach while it’s raining, there’s a good chance you didn’t bring an umbrella because hey, you skipped work thinking it was going to be a gorgeous day but then out of nowhere a hurricane flies up the coast and so you’re drenched trying to find your car in the 2-mile stretch of parking lot.
This one is special. In rare cases, it turns out you can’t have the best of 2/3 worlds. According to relationship philosopher John Mayer (4th studio album, Track 11, 00:00:51, words #35-43)³, people are limited to existing as either friends, lovers, OR nothing. You can have one, but not two or three. Coexistence is unattainable.
Let’s say Friends = 1, Lovers = -1, and Nothing = 0,
Friends (1) + Nothing (0) = Friends (1)
Lovers (-1) + Nothing (0) = Lovers (-1)
Friends (1) + Lovers (-1) = Nothing (0)
Even if you made the attempt for two, you’re still only left with one.
Of course, this can be fixed with a simple substitution:
If you spend enough time with friends and lovers, you won’t have time for Netflix.
If you spend enough time with lovers and Netflix, you won’t have time for friends.
If you spend enough time re-watching Friends in its entirety on Netflix, over and over again, you won’t have time for love.