Dear Matthew “Matt” Tress,
I must confess. You know those overnight business trips I’ve been making to the city? I’ve always said that I spend the night at vacant lodges rented off of Airbnb. Truth is, I don’t have that kind of money. Instead I resort to other, uh, accommodations. It pains me to say it, so bear with me here…
I’ve been sleeping around. On couches.
Now, before you get your linens in a bunch, hear me out. For you to better understand, and because I believe honesty is key to a healthy man-to-bed relationship, I’ve provided an account of all my furnished affairs during my travels:
First there was David’s couch. I was hesitant at first when he offered me his place to crash for the night. But after a few episodes of New Girl I began to doze off. The couch was tan, skinny, and undeniably comfortable, and with the faint smell of spilt chai latte it occurred to me that infatuated feelings could exist for other furniture. I slept like a log.
My night on Megan’s couch was truly unlike any other. Wow. What a sofa! The upholstery was impeccable – like something straight out of a Horchow catalog. It’s (almost) as if those high school fantasies where I’m making out with Francesca, the out of my league cheerleader, came true.
Then there was Jacob’s chesterfield. I had never slept on a black couch before. But there’s a first time for everything, I suppose.
Ryan’s couch was more of a loveseat but I assure you our relationship was out of lust. Its petite size screamed seductively cozy and I just had to have a lay.
I knew a rough night was ahead of me the moment I reclined on Leah’s divan. It had me tossing and turning and contorting my body into once thought unattainable positions all night. Needless to say, I woke up very sore.
Gary let me use his blow-up couch but I’d rather not bring up that demoralizing night.
A friend of a friend introduced me to Salina, who then introduced me to her couch – a sectional, so more than enough sleeping room was at my disposal. I only needed half. When Claire (Salina’s friend) came to stay too, on the vacant half, it became clear where this night was heading. A threesome wasn’t really my cup of tea. And neither were bi-sectionals.
I went back to Megan’s sofa. I couldn’t resist.
Mark owned a futon. I swear I fell asleep while it was in the flat bed position, but sometime overnight it shifted itself into the upright couch position. I didn’t see it coming; I was seduced by a two-faced – two-cushioned, rather – piece of furniture.
There. That’s all of them. I’m sorry. I bet by now you’re considering suffocating me with your pillow. I know, sham on me. (Sorry. I’m not proud of that pun.) But if you can find it deep down in your box spring to forgive a fool like me we might be able to save our 22-year relationship. Though I suppose time will tell. So, to avoid awkward bedtime talks I’ve decided to stay on Jason’s daybed until you’re ready to discuss it further.
Don’t dream without me.
P.S. Daybeds don’t count, right?