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MTA NYC Transit F Train Number 0672 Delay Announcement Log From Monday, September 18, 2017

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mta

Time: 8:25 AM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are being held in the station because of a performance underway on the platform. A disheveled man is jamming on some buckets and pots, playing what can only be described as an extended rendition of the drum solo from Deep Purple’s “Space Truckin’”. I happen to love Deep Purple, and I intend to watch the bohemian finish the song.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 10:07 AM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because one of those child entrepreneurs selling fruit snacks and cookies found his way into the cockpit. My lunch break isn’t for another few hours, and I ran out of the apartment without breakfast this morning.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 10:52 AM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have stopped because of an unidentified, deranged man standing in the middle of the tracks. He’s holding a cardboard sign that says, “Help, they’re coming for us.” Under no circumstance does anybody on this train offer any help until we know what on God’s green earth he is talking about.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 12:31 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because I just have to send a quick text to my husband reminding him to record “Dancing With The Stars” tonight. Gotta see if that Property Brother Drew can really shake his booty. Mmm-mm-MMM!

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 1:45 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because some yahoo from those hip-hop pole-dancing acts has apparently gotten tangled up between the poles and cannot unravel himself. Don’t y’all ask how. We didn’t know the human body could even contort in such a way.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 3:03 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are remaining in the station because something is protruding out one of the train doors. A sectional couch, I believe. Listen, I don’t know how y’all managed to get that thing onto the platform in the first place, but please, use all available doors.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 5:12 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, that sudden jolt you felt was due to the train directly behind us. Darius likes to play bumper trains sometimes.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 5:55 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have stopped because—and bear with me here—a mischief of highly advanced rats claiming to be pirates­—oh sorry, pi-rats—have boarded and are demanding we hand over the train. Their leader keeps claiming that he is now the conductor.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 6:53 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because we’re lost. We ain’t sure how that happened.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 7:40 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because somebody saw something and didn’t say something. Nobody is in danger. Turns out it was just a box of old VHS tapes. But seriously? What’s wrong wit’chy’all?! What do we tell you every goddamn day? It’s like y’all’ve never taken the subway before.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 8:06 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are being held momentarily in the station because Improv Everywhere is trying to be funny again. Participants are dressed as various types of cold cuts, vegetables, condiments… oh I get it. It’s a literal Subway sandwich. Sigh. Anyway, just don’t acknowledge them.

We should be moving shortly.

 

Time: 9:44 PM

Announcement: Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have stopped the train because we, the crew, have given up. We just give up. Find your own damn way home tonight.

We will not be moving shortly.

Table For One

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Hostess: Hello sir, welcome to Chili’s! Table or booth?

Diner: Table is fine.

Hostess: Alrighty, and party of…?

Diner: One. Just one.

Hostess: Party of one. Sure thing. Outdoor or indoor table?

Diner: Indoor, preferably.

Hostess: Okie doke. Just moved into town or romantically challenged?

Diner: …what?

Hostess: The reason for your party of one.

Diner: Oh… okay… the latter then?

Hostess: Romantically challenged, got it. Can’t seem to figure out women or recently dumped after many years of bliss?

Diner: I’m sorry, but why is this any of your business?

Hostess: I’m seating you accordingly. This happens to be my business very much.

Diner: …whatever. Dumped after many—whatever it was.

Hostess: Your fault or hers?

Diner: Seriously? ­Mine, okay?

Hostess: Unfaithful or just kind of a boring duck?

Diner: She said the flame died ages ago.

Hostess: Smoking or non-smoking?

Diner: Well I wouldn’t call her smoking hot, but she was pretty attractive.

Hostess: Oh my apologies, I meant here at the restaurant.

Diner: Of course you did. Non-smoking.

Hostess: Okie doke. And would you like to hear music that reminds you of how much you miss her or how much you should really just move on with your life?

Diner: I’d like to bathe in the sorrow a little while longer.

Hostess: You got it. Will you be stuffing your face or drinking to numb the pain?

Diner: Just the drink menu.

Hostess: Our appetizers are half-priced starting in ten minutes…

Diner: Fine, both menus.

Hostess: That’s the spirit! And is Pepsi okay?

Diner: Her favorite drink was Pepsi.

Hostess: We only have Pepsi.

Diner: Sure, whatever.

Hostess: Okay, that should do it. How many menus?

Diner: Jesus Christ, just one, remember?!

Hostess: Oh! Ha ha. Force of habit.

Diner:

Hostess: Alrighty, if you just follow me—

Diner: Wait! Wait. Wait. On second thought… can I change to a booth?

Hostess: Certainly. Right this way, sir.